The occasional heated conversation is inevitable in any romantic relationship. In fact, it’s a necessary part of healthy communication (here are 6 fights every happy couple should have).
But when you’re fired up, may very well not choose your words carefully, and an offhand comment can easily escalate into a full-blown battle. Strike these phrases from your arsenal the very next time you’re arguing with your partner.
1. “Whatever, it’s fine.
When you sense an argument brewing, your instinct is always to avoid conflict by bowing out early.
“It can be really scary when you anticipate that somebody will probably get upset,” says Monica O’Neal, Psy.D., a Harvard clinical psychologist and relationship expert. But tackling problems together belongs to being in a solid relationship.
“Real intimacy is not only about feeling all cozy and warm and kumbaya,” O’Neal adds. “It’s also about a chance to feel like somebody’s safe enough to express anger with. That is in reality a really healthy and good thing.
2.
This sends the message that your partner’s perspective isn’t valid.
“People will always get in trouble when they’re aiming for ‘I’m right, you’re wrong,’” says Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a relationship expert, author, and clinical psychologist in Denver.
Instead, she says, acknowledge something your partner has said which you do agree with; then add your own perspective by saying, “...and here’s An additional way to look at it.
That keeps both opinions on the table, so you’re very likely to formulate a solution that works for both of you.
3. “Oh, that’s just great.
Check your sarcasm during a disagreement.
“It’s not effective at all. All it does is create more distrust,” O’Neal says. “It’s a very passive-aggressive way of making a point, and it doesn’t clearly get through to the issue.
Explain your perspective honestly to keep the lines of communication open.
4. “You never...
Kicking off a complaint with “you always” or “you never” puts your lover on the defensive, and it’s rarely accurate.
Heitler suggests swapping these accusatory phrases with the more personal, “My concern is...
as opposed to grumbling that your partner is always late, try “My concern is that our friends will think we’re rude.
5.
Needless to say, this blithe phrase usually has the exact opposite effect.
“What you’re essentially saying is, ‘I can’t tolerate you feeling upset,’” O’Neal says.
It’s important that your partner feels safe expressing her emotions—even the negative ones. If you decide to really aren’t sure why she’s so worked up, ask (sincerely!) what she’s angriest about.
6. “But...
By definition, this overrides whatever your partner just said.
“‘But’ deletes whatever came before it, like the backspace key on your keyboard,” Heitler says. “And people don’t like having what they say deleted or dismissed or demeaned.
Preface your response with “and” or “at the same time” to tell you respect your partner’s opinion, even if it differs from yours.
7. “Let’s just drop it.
Fighting is stressful, and it’s totally understandable if one of you needs a breather. But when tempers are flaring, you can’t simply shut down the discussion.
Instead, O’Neal says, illustrate You will need a temporary time-out: “You need to have the ability to say, ‘I need the opportunity step back and process it a little bit. I promise I’ll respond to it. I promise I’m not leaving in a huff.
8.
Even when your partner is pushing every button you have, resist the urge to prey on her insecurities.
“Name-calling is totally out of bounds,” Heitler says. “It’s only about injuring the other; it’s not about problem solving.
Focus on finding a solution, not on seeing how effectively you can hurt each other’s feelings. (Try this 2-second relationship fix.
9. “It shouldn’t be this hard.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll be effortless, right? Maybe in the movies, but real-life relationships take work.
If you’ve hit a rough patch, consider talking to a marriage counselor or family therapist. It’s not a desperate remedy for a doomed relationship—it’s a way for committed couples to learn to communicate more effectively.
“There’s a skill set that enables people to have productive discussions,” Heitler says. “Marriage is a professional level of partnership, and people need professional-level skills.
10. “Maybe I should just leave.
Hinting at a breakup can chip away at trust, particularly if bring up The End every time you’re angry.
“Don’t threaten abandonment. That’s probably One of many most toxic things you can do,” O’Neal says.
Instead of framing every fight as a potential deal-breaker, recognize that open communication—disagreements included!—can actually strengthen your bond actually run.
“The point of an argument is to be removed of it feeling like you’ve been heard,” O’Neal says. “Even if you don’t come to an agreement, at least you should leave it with a better understanding.
